If you are not from Merseyside, in England,   please by-pass this VERY true story, it will go straight over your head. 

   I  hope you can appreciate my best Scouse story which is a true one ..  I used to deliver milk for the Express Dairy around the Runcorn (Liverpool overspill) estates.  I, incidentally, still have a strong Lancashire (Wooly back) accent. One day I knocked at a house, after delivering a couple of pints to the step, and just as I got back into the van, a Liverpool young lady appeared at the door.  I shouted to her from about 50yards away,"Dyu wanna paaaay" The word 'pay' being stretched somewhat as I was asking in my best Lancashire accent for the milk money to save coming back on Friday night.   She looked rather confused and in a good scouse accent shouted back "What?"  more like "WOTT"? again "Dyu wanna paaay luv"? reply, (really confused looking by now) "Yuwott"?    I shouted very clearly this time  slower and louder " Do you want to pay the milk bill"????? she got it this time and her expression changed from one of confusion to one of relief as though she had just walked out of a ladies toilets as she said "OOOOoooooh!!  I thought you was sellin frrruittt".    I almost fell out of the van laughing.  Only a scouse could have come out with this remark.   My long 'paaaay' obviously sounded to her like the way a scouse would say 'pear'.    That happened twenty years back and I will take the memory to my grave. 
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Three Irish men looking for work on a building site. The Foreman said to the first, "What is three times three".  He thinks and answers. "One hundred and sixty eight sir".  The boss shakes his head in disgust and ask the second one the same question. The second one thinks longer and answers. "Next Wednesday sir".  The third is then asked the same question to which he quickly responds. " Nine sir".  "CORRECT  and tell me how you came to that conclusion", said the Foreman.   "Well Sir," says he, "I took next Wednesday from one hundred and sixty eight sir".                            

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There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the"Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible was that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in...well, you know the rest.

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Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team ?
  A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in America.

          "Gray Hair"


A senior citizen decided to visit the social security office to sign up for his benefits.  Upon his arrival the clerk asked for proof of his age. When he reached for his wallet the embarrassed manrealized he had left it home.
After explaining his problem to the clerk, she replied, "Don't worry, just open your shirt, and if your chest hair is gray you will qualify."  The senior citizen opened up his shirt and was soon signed up for his benefits.   Upon arriving home, he related the story to his wife. She looked at him,  smiled and said, "Too bad you didn't drop yourpants. You would have qualified for disability too!"    

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This is another true story which happened to my brother John many years ago as he helped to deliver milk for a local farmer.  If you are under the age of fifty, or you have never heard of, a 'Poe' 'Gerry' or a 'Guzunder', then please by-pass this part,  as this story will go straight over your head.

Many of the houses, used to have their milk poured out from a measured 'Ladle Can',  into a jug, which would be left in the back yard, on the door step.   At one of the houses, this woman had left a fancy flowered 'Poe' or 'Gerry'  in the back yard.  Owing to the fact that, toilets or bathrooms, were very hard to find inside the houses of Lancashire during the 'Olden Days', this 'Guzunder', had obviously been used overnight under the ladies bed, washed, and left out to dry in the sunshine.   We at home had only ever used the tin type 'Poe' in our bedrooms.   We had seen some very fancy pot milk jugs in some of our rich Auntie's houses and John thought it was a fancy flowered milk jug and he teamed a pint and a half of milk into this old woman's 'piss pot'.  John worked for a farmer who had a slight hump on his back and the following day, when the lady complained to him, his hump grew another 6 inches hehe. 

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A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."The man replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!  The woman continued, "And look at this -- here's another miracle. The wine bottle didn't break. "Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to her. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."                                   

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A drunk on his way home very late one night popped his head in through the door of a 'fish and chip shop' and shouted "You got any chips left over?" "Yes I have", said the owner. "Serves you right for cooking too many" shouted the drunk...........                                 

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   The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.   They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all  sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.   Finally, Maureen  bring up the subject of sex   "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.  He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.   "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"  "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.  With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.  "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty  narrow...."   "No problem,"  he says, and starts pulling his ears.    With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire   measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.  "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.  The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any  good?"  "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.  How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."  

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A guy with only one eye was driving his car when a Porsche car overtook him at a tremendous speed. About a mile up the country lane the driver came across the Porsche smashed up at the side of the road. On examining the driver, he found him to be dead so he did a quick eye transplant and drove off. About another 5miles on, his conscience got the better of him so he returned but found the Police on the scene. The cops were standing around all scratching their heads. "Is he dead?" enquired the guy. "Certainly is" said a cop. "Why you all scratching your heads"? said the guy. "Well" said the cop,"Its a mystery to us how the hell this guy managed to be driving a car with two glass eyes".

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A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.   He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.  The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.  "So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the  sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.  "Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."  "Did you jump then?" asked the father.  "I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."  "So, did you jump?"  "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door
and refused to go. Finally the Jump Master called me over and said 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?"  I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared." So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!  He said, "Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking  this little baby up your ass.""So, did you jump?" asked the father.   "Well, a little, at first."......

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An elderly priest invited a young rabbi over for dinner. During the
meal, the young rabbi couldn't help noticing how attractive and
shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he began
to wonder if there might be more between the elderly priest and the
housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young rabbi's thoughts, the elderly
priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you
my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional.

     About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest
and said, "Father, ever since your young rabbi friend came to
dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful sterling silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose he took it do you?"The priest said, "Well, I
doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and
wrote:

     "Dear Rabbi: I'm not saying that you took a sterling silver gravy
ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you DIDN"T take it.  But the
fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were
here."

      Several days later, a letter came from the Rabbi. It read: "Dear
Father: I'm not saying that you sleep with your housekeeper, and
I'm not saying that you DON"T sleep with your housekeeper.  But the fact
remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found
the gravy ladle by now.

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