If you are not from Merseyside, in England, please by-pass this VERY true story, it will go straight over your head.
hope you can appreciate my best Scouse story which is a true one .. I used to
deliver milk for the Express Dairy around the Runcorn (Liverpool overspill) estates.
I, incidentally, still have a strong Lancashire (Wooly back) accent. One day I knocked at
a house, after delivering a couple of pints to the step, and just as I got back into the
van, a Liverpool young lady appeared at the door. I shouted to her from about
50yards away,"Dyu wanna paaaay" The word 'pay' being stretched somewhat as I was
asking in my best Lancashire accent for the milk money to save coming back on Friday
night. She looked rather confused and in a good scouse accent shouted back
"What?" more like "WOTT"? again "Dyu wanna paaay luv"?
reply, (really confused looking by now) "Yuwott"? I shouted
very clearly this time slower and louder " Do you want to pay the milk
bill"????? she got it this time and her expression changed from one of confusion to
one of relief as though she had just walked out of a ladies toilets as she said
"OOOOoooooh!! I thought you was sellin frrruittt". I almost
fell out of the van laughing. Only a scouse could have come out with this
remark. My long 'paaaay' obviously sounded to her like the way a scouse would
say 'pear'. That happened twenty years back and I will take the memory
to my grave.
Three Irish men looking for work on a building site. The Foreman said to the first, "What is three times three". He thinks and answers. "One hundred and sixty eight sir". The boss shakes his head in disgust and ask the second one the same question. The second one thinks longer and answers. "Next Wednesday sir". The third is then asked the same question to which he quickly responds. " Nine sir". "CORRECT and tell me how you came to that conclusion", said the Foreman. "Well Sir," says he, "I took next Wednesday from one hundred and sixty eight sir".
There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the"Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible was that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in...well, you know the rest.
This is another true story which happened to my brother John many years ago as he helped to deliver milk for a local farmer. If you are under the age of fifty, or you have never heard of, a 'Poe' 'Gerry' or a 'Guzunder', then please by-pass this part, as this story will go straight over your head.
Many of the houses, used to have their milk poured out from a measured 'Ladle Can', into a jug, which would be left in the back yard, on the door step. At one of the houses, this woman had left a fancy flowered 'Poe' or 'Gerry' in the back yard. Owing to the fact that, toilets or bathrooms, were very hard to find inside the houses of Lancashire during the 'Olden Days', this 'Guzunder', had obviously been used overnight under the ladies bed, washed, and left out to dry in the sunshine. We at home had only ever used the tin type 'Poe' in our bedrooms. We had seen some very fancy pot milk jugs in some of our rich Auntie's houses and John thought it was a fancy flowered milk jug and he teamed a pint and a half of milk into this old woman's 'piss pot'. John worked for a farmer who had a slight hump on his back and the following day, when the lady complained to him, his hump grew another 6 inches hehe.
A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."The man replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God! The woman continued, "And look at this -- here's another miracle. The wine bottle didn't break. "Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to her. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."
A drunk on his way home very late one night popped his head in through the door of a 'fish and chip shop' and shouted "You got any chips left over?" "Yes I have", said the owner. "Serves you right for cooking too many" shouted the drunk...........
A guy with only one eye was driving his car when a Porsche car overtook him at a tremendous speed. About a mile up the country lane the driver came across the Porsche smashed up at the side of the road. On examining the driver, he found him to be dead so he did a quick eye transplant and drove off. About another 5miles on, his conscience got the better of him so he returned but found the Police on the scene. The cops were standing around all scratching their heads. "Is he dead?" enquired the guy. "Certainly is" said a cop. "Why you all scratching your heads"? said the guy. "Well" said the cop,"Its a mystery to us how the hell this guy managed to be driving a car with two glass eyes".
An elderly priest
invited a young rabbi over for dinner. During the