Something very strange but true happened to me yesterday. I thought some of you God loving Lancashire folk might be able to relate to my experience.
I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back of my jeep and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at the lights in the middle of Denver Main Street, just lost in thought about the Lord and didn't notice that the lights had changed to green. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the Lord, because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a Soccer Match with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST, GO!" Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been some guy from the coast back there, because I could hear him yelling something about a 'sunny beach' and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I thought the sign might have been the Hawaian good luck sign. So I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. God bless him. Several cars behind, a very nice young black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like,"Mother's father" or "Mother's from there." He must really love the Lord. A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to amber, and I stepped on the gas pedal. And a good thing I did really, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing all there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaian good luck sign as I drove off, Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.
And now for some age old wisdom,........
Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and
were getting undressed together for the first
"Father! Father! An old man on
crutches walked up to the holy water a minute ago, and he
As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"
Paddy was waiting at the bus stop and
eating a hot dog when a little dog started pawing at his leg and looking up at him.
Says Paddy to the lady owner of the dog. "Would you mind if I throw your dog a bit
Misses?" "Not at all" says the woman. So he
picked the dog up and threw it across the road.
The Pope and The Queen
A guy was stranded on a desert island with
Cindy Crawford. He played it cool, and he didn't make any moves towards her for several
weeks. Finally, one day he asked her if maybe they could start up a physical
relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs. Cindy said she was game
and a very vigorous sexual relationship began.
A Lunatic, ( somewhere in England)(probably Lancashire) was looking over the asylum wall at a gardener wheeling a barrow full of horse shit and shouted "What's in the barrow mister?" "Horse shit" shouts the gardener. "What you gonna do with it?" shouts the loony. "I'm taking it home to put on my rhubarb" shouts the Gardener. " HOLY DEAR " shouts the lunatic "You should come on in here, we have cool whip on ours"
Did you hear about the drunk, who was sick all over a little dog on the street and upon opening his eyes said, "I can't remember eating THAT thing".
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find
North America. GEORGE: Here it is! TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." "What ever turns you on", the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."
Or the blind man sat on a park bench eating a sandwich and his guide dog cocked his leg and urinated on his trousers. The man offered the dog a part of his sandwich and a passer by remarked on how kind it was for him to do that, after what the dog had just done. To which the blind man said " I am not trying to be kind, I am trying to find where his head is, so I can give him a kick in the balls".
Or the woman in the butchers who said, "half a pound of kiddly please". "Don't you mean kidney?" said the butcher. "That's what I just said, diddle I?" said the woman.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were
chilly, but when they lit a fire in the
Bruce is driving over Sydney Harbour
Bridge one day in his car