Something very strange but true happened to me yesterday. I thought some of you God loving Lancashire folk might be able to relate to my experience.

  I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back of my jeep and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!  I was stopped at the lights in the middle of Denver Main Street, just lost in  thought about the Lord and didn't notice that the lights had changed to green.  That bumper sticker really worked!    I found lots of people who love Jesus.  Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY  love the Lord, because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a Soccer Match with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST, GO!" Everyone else started honking  too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been some guy from the coast back there, because I  could hear him yelling something about a 'sunny beach' and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I thought the sign might have been the Hawaian good luck sign. So I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. God bless him.  Several cars behind, a very nice young black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like,"Mother's father" or "Mother's from there."  He must really love the Lord. A couple of people were so caught  up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to amber, and I stepped on the gas pedal.  And a good thing I did really, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection.  I  looked back at them standing all there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaian good luck sign as I drove off, Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

And now for some age old wisdom,........

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first
time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. "What
happened to you feet?" his wife asked. "I had a childhood disease called tolio." "Don't you
mean polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects the toes." He then removed his pants and revealed
an awful looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also
had kneesles." "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees." When
he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"

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"Father! Father! An old man on crutches walked up to the holy water a minute ago, and he
splashed some on his right leg and then he threw away his right crutch! Then he splashed
some more on the other leg and threw away his left crutch!" "My boy, you've witnessed a
miracle! What happened then?" "He fell on his ass Father he's a cripple you know!"

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As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

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Paddy was waiting at the bus stop and eating a hot dog when a little dog started pawing at his leg and looking up at him.  Says Paddy to the lady owner of the dog. "Would you mind if I throw your dog a bit Misses?"    "Not at all" says the woman.   So he picked the dog up and threw it across the road.

The Pope and The Queen

The Pope and the Queen were standing on a balcony in front
of thousands of people. The Queen turns to the Pope and says
"I bet you I can make every English person in the crowd go
wild with just a wave of my hand." The Pope says "No way.
You can't do that." So the Queen waves her hand and every
English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their Union
Jacks and cheering, basically going ballistic. So the Pope is
standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never
thought she'd be able to do it." So he thinks to himself for a
minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make
every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for
the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen says "No way, can't be done."

So the Pope headbutts her.

A guy was stranded on a desert island with Cindy Crawford. He played it cool, and he didn't make any moves towards her for several weeks.  Finally, one day he asked her if maybe they could start up a physical relationship,   so as to attend to each other's needs. Cindy said she was game and a  very  vigorous sexual relationship began.
  Everything was great for about 4 months. One day, the guy went to Cindy and   said, "I'm having this problem. It's kind of a guy thing, but I need to   ask you a favor. " Cindy said, "Okay."  The guy said, "Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?" Cindy looked at him a little funny, but said, "Sure, you can borrow my  eyebrow pencil."  The guy then said, "Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a  moustache on you?"   Cindy is getting a little worried, but says, "Okay."  Then the guy said, "Can you wear some of my guy clothing, I need for you  to   look more like a man."  Cindy is getting a little disappointed at this point, but says, "Well I  guess so."  Then the guy says to Cindy, "Do you mind if I call you Fred?"  Cindy, very dejected, says, "I guess not."   So, the guy reaches out and grabs Cindy by the arms and says, "Fred, you   won't believe who I've been sleeping with these past four months!"

A Lunatic, ( somewhere in England)(probably Lancashire) was looking over the asylum wall at a gardener wheeling a barrow full of horse shit and shouted "What's in the barrow mister?"   "Horse shit" shouts the gardener.  "What you gonna do with it?"  shouts the loony.  "I'm taking it home to put on my rhubarb" shouts the Gardener.        " HOLY DEAR " shouts the lunatic "You should come on in here, we have cool whip on ours"

Did you hear about the drunk, who was sick all over a little dog on the street and upon opening his eyes said, "I can't remember eating THAT thing".

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America. GEORGE: Here it is! TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? CLASS: George!
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SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?  BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.
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HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
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TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake. SAMMY: You can't fool me, teacher. Snakes don't have feet.
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TEACHER: Max, use "defeat," "defence" and "detail" in a sentence. MAX: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defence before detail.
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TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?  SASHA: A new bike.
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TEACHERS: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster.  Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."        "What ever turns you on",  the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back." 

 Or the blind man sat on a park bench eating a sandwich and his guide dog cocked his leg and urinated on his trousers.   The man offered the dog a part of his sandwich and a passer by remarked on how kind it was for him to do that, after what the dog had just done.  To which the blind man said " I am not trying to be kind, I am trying to find where his head is, so I can give him a kick in the balls".

Or the woman in the butchers who said, "half a pound of kiddly please".   "Don't you mean kidney?" said the butcher.  "That's what I just said, diddle I?" said the woman.

So anyway...

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the
boat it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it,
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.  One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor.  The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much.  The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.  He sidles up to the
bar and announces: "I'm looking' for the man who shot my paw."
Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle
of oil. They see a worm on the other side.  So...the one flies over and the
other one swims through.  Which one gets to the worm first?  The one who
swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim."
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The
bartender replies, "For you?,   no charge."
Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One
says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"

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Bruce is driving over Sydney Harbour Bridge one day in his car
when he sees his girlfriend Sheila just about to throw herself off the
bridge into the water far below.

Bruce slams on the brakes & shouts "G'day Sheila! What  do
you think you're doing?"

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye & says "G'day Bruce -
You got me pregnant & so now I'm gonna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this & says "Sheila,
not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too!"


Humour page 3