HOLY MOLYFoooooooood...DOH!!!

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Two Pregnant Irish women knitting cardigans for their up coming children. One says "I hope mines a boy, I am using blue wool".. The other says "I hope mines a cripple, I just f**ed the arms up".
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Mick from Ireland was teaching his newly arrived brother Paddy to drive a car in England. 
Says Paddy "What does the yellow line at the side of the road mean Mick?" 
Says Mick  "Ah, that means to say you can't park there at all, sure it does". 
Says Paddy " and the two yellow lines on the other side, what's that mean?" 
Says Mick  " Sure that means to say you can't park there at all at all."

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Grow your own dope. Plant a politician.
                                   

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Paddy was late arriving on the building site this particular morning and the foreman saw him coming up the lane onto the site, hand in hand with a chimpanzee.  "What the hell's going on here Paddy"? says the foreman. " Well sir" says Paddy, " I found him wandering  around down the lane".  "Well don't bring him on here" says the foreman "take him to the Zoo."  Later the same day, up comes Paddy again, still holding hands with the monkey. "I thought I told you to take that thing to the Zoo" says the foreman.  "I did already and I was wondering should I take him to the Movies now"? 

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The two drunks making their weary way home along the railway line as a short cut. 
Says one  " By the Jeez, Mick this is an awful long stair case" Says the other  "And I don't reckon much for the low hand rail neither Paddy' 

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The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark

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Hot off the Press

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
asshole.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to say things like thish.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
ever happened to your pants anyway.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll  over in the
morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't
remember)
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burn on the forehead.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, more handsome and smarter than some really, really big guy named
Psycho.
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Two old ladies were standing outside a house of ill repute in Dublin, when all of a sudden they see a Church of Ireland Minister furtively hurry up to the door and get admitted. "Sure did you ever see the likes of that?" says the first.  "Indeed and I didn't," says the second, "it's disgusting so it is, that a man of the cloth should be seen going into a place like that."  A little while later a Jewish Rabbi sneaks up and is also admitted.  The two old ladies go off again about the state of the world and its morals.  After a while, a Catholic Priest, shows up, looks around furtively and  knocks on the door.  "Glory be," says the first old lady, "there must be a poor girl dying in there".

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Paddy and Mick came to England.  Mick did good for himself but Paddy became the local drunk. Paddy was killed by a car as he crossed the road and Mick went to identify the body in the Morgue.  The body was in tatty old clothes and next to him lay a well dressed gent with a pin stripped suit.  Mick asked the Morgue Attendant to do him a favor and swap over the clothes for him as Paddys mother was on her way from Ireland and would be terribly upset to see him in rags.  His mother had been told that he had done really well for himself. The Attendant said to leave it with him and for him to call back in an hour.  Mick came back when the job was done and gave the attendant  $100 for his trouble.  "Ah keep the money,"    said the attendant as he handed the money back to him,     "It was no trouble at all for me.  I only swapped heads".

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A redneck couple had made sacrifices to save money to send their only son to college. Once there, he began to grown long sideburns, a mustache and a goatee.  When his facial hair was luxurious enough to satisfy him, he had his photograph taken and mailed it home with a note that read:
"Do you like the photo? Do you think it makes me look like a count?"
"You idiot!"  His father wrote back. "Here we are spending a fortune on
your education and you can't even SPELL!"


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Elderly guy buys his wife a 'Grave Plot' as a christmas present.  The folowing year he gets her nothing. When she asks him why he didn't buy anything this time.  Hubby says " You must be joking, you havent used the one I bought you last year".

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Mary, who failed as a nun, left the Convent for the outside world and was asked by the Reverend Mother Superior to return one day and let her know how she was fairing. One year passed and up rolls Mary in the chauffeur driven Rolls Royce, in furs and jewelry and made up like the cat's dinner.  "You look like you are doing very well for yourself Mary"  Says the Reverend Mother " and what are you doing with yourself these days?"  " I am a prostitute" says Mary and the Mother collapses in a heap on the floor.  On coming too, she asked a nun who was cradling her head, "What did Mary say  she was?"    "A prostitute" says the nun.  "Well, thank God for that," says Mother, as she jumped quickly to her feet again.  "I thought she said a Protestant". 
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One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a
long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store.
When she  finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items
had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the
intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE
THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear
of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for THUMBTACKS."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT
THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER

Here are some Rodney Dangerfield type standups...

A guy complains of a headache.   Another guy says "Do what I do. I put my
head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away."  The next day, the man
says, "Did you do what I told you to?"  "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you
have a nice house!"
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?  They're worth it!
Why do Jewish men die before their wives?  They want to!
A car hit a Jewish man.  The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man
says, "I make a good living."
Two Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in
Poland?"  The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."
My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours.  That was only for the
estimate!
She got a mud-pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
I was just in London-there is a six-hour time difference.  I'm still
confused.  When I go to dinner, I feel sexy.  When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
A drunk was in front of a judge.  The judge says "You've been brought here
for drinking."  The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!"  I said, "You
should force yourself!"  Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all
week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday."  I asked "When's payday?" He said
"I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
I just got back from a pleasure trip.  I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours.  I
asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?"  He said, "Because I was going up!"
Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle?  One piece.


Humour page 2