Two Pregnant Irish women knitting cardigans for their
up coming children. One says "I hope mines a boy, I am using blue wool"..
The other says "I hope mines a cripple, I just f**ed the arms up".
Mick from Ireland was teaching
his newly arrived brother Paddy to drive a car in England.
Says Paddy "What does the yellow line at the side of the road mean Mick?"
Says Mick "Ah, that means to say you can't park there at all, sure it
Says Paddy " and the two yellow lines on the other side, what's that
Says Mick " Sure that means to say you can't park there at all at all."
Grow your own dope. Plant a
Paddy was late arriving on the building site this particular morning and the foreman saw
him coming up the lane onto the site, hand in hand with a chimpanzee. "What the
hell's going on here Paddy"? says the foreman. " Well sir" says Paddy,
" I found him wandering around down the lane". "Well don't
bring him on here" says the foreman "take him to the Zoo." Later the
same day, up comes Paddy again, still holding hands with the monkey. "I thought I
told you to take that thing to the Zoo" says the foreman. "I did already
and I was wondering should I take him to the Movies now"?
The two drunks making their weary way home along the railway line as a short cut.
Says one " By the Jeez, Mick this is an awful long stair case" Says the
other "And I don't reckon much for the low hand rail neither Paddy'
The shin bone is a device for
finding furniture in the dark
Hot off the Press
1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a
buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to say things like thish.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think
while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
ever happened to your pants anyway.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug
burn on the forehead.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, more handsome and smarter than some really, really big guy named
Two old ladies were standing
outside a house of ill repute in Dublin, when all of a sudden they see a Church of Ireland
Minister furtively hurry up to the door and get admitted. "Sure did you ever see the
likes of that?" says the first. "Indeed and I didn't," says the
second, "it's disgusting so it is, that a man of the cloth should be seen going into
a place like that." A little while later a Jewish Rabbi sneaks up and is also
admitted. The two old ladies go off again about the state of the world and its
morals. After a while, a Catholic Priest, shows up, looks around furtively and
knocks on the door. "Glory be," says the first old lady, "there must
be a poor girl dying in there".
Paddy and Mick came to England. Mick did good for himself but Paddy became the local
drunk. Paddy was killed by a car as he crossed the road and Mick went to identify the body
in the Morgue. The body was in tatty old clothes and next to him lay a well dressed
gent with a pin stripped suit. Mick asked the Morgue Attendant to do him a favor and
swap over the clothes for him as Paddys mother was on her way from Ireland and would be
terribly upset to see him in rags. His mother had been told that he had done really
well for himself. The Attendant said to leave it with him and for him to call back in an
hour. Mick came back when the job was done and gave the attendant $100 for his
trouble. "Ah keep the money," said the attendant as he handed
the money back to him, "It was no trouble at all for me. I
only swapped heads".
A redneck couple had made sacrifices to
save money to send their only son to college. Once there, he began to grown long
sideburns, a mustache and a goatee. When his facial hair was luxurious enough to
satisfy him, he had his photograph taken and mailed it home with a note that read:
"Do you like the photo? Do you think it makes me look like a count?"
"You idiot!" His father wrote back. "Here we are spending a fortune
your education and you can't even SPELL!"
Elderly guy buys his wife a
'Grave Plot' as a christmas present. The folowing year he gets her nothing. When she
asks him why he didn't buy anything this time. Hubby says " You must be joking,
you havent used the one I bought you last year".
Mary, who failed as a nun, left
the Convent for the outside world and was asked by the Reverend Mother Superior to return
one day and let her know how she was fairing. One year passed and up rolls Mary in the
chauffeur driven Rolls Royce, in furs and jewelry and made up like the cat's dinner.
"You look like you are doing very well for yourself Mary" Says the
Reverend Mother " and what are you doing with yourself these days?" "
I am a prostitute" says Mary and the Mother collapses in a heap on the floor.
On coming too, she asked a nun who was cradling her head, "What did Mary say
she was?" "A prostitute" says the nun. "Well,
thank God for that," says Mother, as she jumped quickly to her feet again.
"I thought she said a Protestant".
One of the funniest
"most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a
long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items
had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the
intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE
THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear
of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for THUMBTACKS."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT
THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER
Here are some Rodney Dangerfield
A guy complains of a headache.
Another guy says "Do what I do. I put my
head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man
says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way,
have a nice house!"
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it!
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to!
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man
says, "I make a good living."
Two Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in
Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."
My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
She got a mud-pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
I was just in London-there is a six-hour time difference. I'm still
confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here
for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said,
should force yourself!" Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all
week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's
payday?" He said
"I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I
asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "Because I was going
Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.