BRAVO
On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to
complain about her seating. "What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant.
"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting  human. Find me another seat!" "Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class". The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin. "Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class". Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues: "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit
next such an obnoxious person."  With that, she turned to the black man and said: "So if you'd
like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."

At which point, the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the man walked to the front of the plane . . .

Did you know

     The expression "pulling my leg"  "kicking the bucket" and "money for old rope" all  originated in Lancashire in England and all are related to hangings, i.e. "pulling my leg" was used to expedite the death of the hanging person, "kicking the bucket" was when they kicked the bucket which was used as a stool to lift the condemed person up prior to hanging. " money for old rope" comes from when the hangman sold off pieces of the rope used for the hanging as a momento.

The right man for the job

In Barcelona, Northern Spain, Torro the husband of Anna Nallardos was asked to repair a leaking waste pipe inside and underneath a sink unit of an upstairs bathroom. Anna went to work but Torro called in a local plumber to do the job and he went out for the day. The plumber arrived late in the day and let himself into the upstairs apartment and started the repair work. Anna returned from work and saw the plumber from behind with his head underneath the sink. Unbeknowns to her, Anna assumed that the plumber was Torro.    She made a suggestive move towards him by touching the plumbers testicles from behind.  The plumbers head sharply jerked upwards colliding with the bottom of the sink, knocking him unconscious.  On realizing her mistake, she called in the local Ambulance Unit. The two man crew,  put the plumber on a stretcher and proceeded to carry the stretcher down the steep flight of stairs of the apartment. Anna was still explaining what had actually happened, much to the amusment of the Ambulance men, who laughed so heartely that they dropped the plumber off the stretcher. The plumber careered down the concrete stairs and sustained a broken coller bone, three broken ribs and a dislocated shoulder blade. When interviewed at the local Hospital, the plumber stated that in the future he would lock the bathroom door when working underneath a sink unit.

From the horses feet?

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in he air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received  in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Whole nine yards

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter  pilots in the South Pacific.   When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before  being  loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

Australian Scam

Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam: A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check. After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.  However, due to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks. The name of the company:  "The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company"

Amazing Alcohol
Alcohol will remove stains from clothing. This is quite correct and just to
prove its amazing versatility: it will also remove the winter clothes,
spring clothes and summer clothes from a man, his wife and children if used
is sufficient quantity.
Alcohol will also remove furniture from the home, rugs from the floor, food
from the table, lining from the stomach, vision from
the eyes and judgment from the mind. Alcohol will remove reputations, good
jobs, good friends, happiness from the children's hearts, sanity, freedom,
man's ability to adjust and live with his fellow man and even life itself.
As a remover of things,
ALCOHOL HAS NO EQUAL.
Author unknown

SAD BUT TRUE

Think back on your week.  Think of the worst day you had.  Then compare it
with this true "bad day" story:
Fire Authorities in California recently found the body of a man in a
burnt-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a fire.
The odd thing was that the deceased was dressed in a full wetsuit, complete
with a dive tank, flippers and face mask!
A post mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but
from massive internal injuries.  Dental records provided a positive
identification.  Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad
diver could end up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the man went for a diving trip
off the coast-some 20 kilometers away from the forest.
The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called
in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were dropped
into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire and emptied.
Yes.  Apparently, one minute our diver is playing "Sea Hunt" in the Pacific,
the next he's doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300 meters in the air only to be dumped onto the forest fire.

A thought for your fellow man

As Gandhi stepped aboard a train one day, one of his shoes slipped off and
landed on the track. He was unable to retrieve it as the train was moving.
To the amazement of his companions, Gandhi calmly took off his other shoe
and threw it back along the track to land close to the first. Asked by a
fellow passenger why he did so, Gandhi smiled. "The poor man who finds the
shoes lying on the track," he replied, "will now have a pair he can use."
( this story made a vivid impression on me.  I just thought I'd share it
with you....)

Wonder who had the time (and inclination) to figure these out. An ANAGRAM,
as we all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the
letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite
astounding!
Dormitory = Dirty Room
Evangelist = Evil's Agent
Desperation = A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity = Is No Amity
Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Semolina = Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare] To be or not to be: that is
the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune. = In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our
insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.
Politicians:
-------------
George Herbert Walker Bush = Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog
George Bush = He bugs Gore
Ross Perot = SS Trooper
Ronald Wilson Reagan = A long-insane Warlord (or Insane Anglo warlord)
Ronald Reagan = A darn long era
Leroy Newton Gingrich = Yon Right-winger Clone
Margaret Thatcher = That great charmer
The Conservative Party = Teacher in vast poverty
And the grand finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap  for mankind."   --Neil A.
Armstrong = A thin man ran,  left planet, makes a large stride, pins flag on
moon! On to Mars!